Half the Democrats would vote for this
By Steve Hirsch
I hadn’t planned on making it official yet, but it must be time because, all of a sudden in just the last few weeks, Democrats have been officially announcing their candidacies on an almost daily basis. So without further ado, and because I know I’m better than anyone else, I hereby announce: I’m Steve Hirsch, and I’m running for President.
I don’t want to sound egomaniacal, but my ideas are better. They are, in fact, so much better, that they are too better for the Democratic Party. That’s why I’m starting a new party.
The Stupid Party.
Cool name, huh? It’s high time that someone stand up for and represent the stupid. Smart people have been insulting and microaggressing the stupid for too long. Not only that, but smart people almost always get better jobs. Except at the Motor Vehicle Department in my hometown, where judging by my last visit there, smart employees are verboten (more on that later.)
American culture is biased against stupid people. Yes, it all started with the founding in Philadelphia. When John Adams, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, James Monroe, and the rest of them got down to business and started drawing up the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, one of those guys wearing a wig should have stood up and proclaimed, “I’m for the stupid!”
But no. No one got up and said that.
That’s why I, Steve Hirsch, am running for President. I’m running to right all wrongs committed since the moment this nation was founded by those overly smart founding fathers. I’m more woke than the other candidates (woke, the new buzzword of young hipsters, means being aware of unfairness to any and all people who hipsters think are disadvantaged.) I’m the only candidate woke enough to stand up and tell America that I’m proud to be for stupid people. Not just stupid people, but for stupidity as a general principal.
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Yes, I know what you’re thinking: who needs me running for President when we already have so many Democratic candidates with stupid ideas? Well, yes, the Democratic candidates are, to be sure, more stupid than smart. And yes, they come close to a perfected kind of brainwavelessness (new word), but not quite. They aren’t stupid enough.
Take, for example, their support for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’ Green New Deal and its promise of Medicare For All. Yes, as I’ve written previously, it’s true that Medicare’s trust fund for hospital care will run out of money in 2026. And yes, according to the Medicare 2018 Annual Report, the trust fund is already in the red for $4.5 trillion of unfunded obligations. And yes, that means Medicare is effectively bankrupt even under the current situation in which it only covers senior citizens. And yes, yes, that means it’s beyond stupid to promise Medicare For All without even talking about how to fix Medicare For Seniors.
I grant Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, otherwise known as AOC, credit for her commendable stupidity. Also, I tip my hat to Democratic candidates Bernie Sanders, Kamala Harris, Corey Booker, Elizabeth Warren, Kirsten Gillibrand, Amy Klobuchar, Julian Castro, and Pete Buttegieg for their vacuous support of the stupid New Green Deal. Stupid they are. Stupid, stupid, stupid. It’s just, I mean no disrespect to the Democratic candidates’ almost superhuman stupidity, but it isn’t all it could be. That’s why I’ve drafted up something better.
World War Green.
Cool name, huh? We expand Medicare even more than the Democrats are thinking. Not only that, but we fix the planet and global warming and do lots of other cool things. But instead of acting like a hippy peacenik, once I’m elected President, my first act will be to declare war. A World War. The biggest World War ever. So big, that it won’t be like the other World Wars that needed numbers at the end of their names so that we could tell them apart.
World War Green.
The New Green Deal is a stupid name, but I don’t mean that in the sense of good-stupid. It’s bad-stupid. Why a deal? Deals are boring things that businessmen make. They’re sealed with dull handshakes, and if a deal is big enough, they seal it with something even more mind-numbingly boring. A contract. Just writing about deals makes me yawn. I’m actually covering my mouth while spelling it out: B-O-R-I-N-G.
When is the last time you heard of a country mobilizing and sacrificing its youth to die on the frontlines because its citizenry wanted to get a deal? When, throughout time immemorial, has a nation’s public been willing to go on food rations because it was the only way to close a stupid deal? People do these things for wars. We need a war. A freaking war!
I’m Steve Hirsch, I’m running for President, and I’ll declare war. World War Green.
Free College you say? Oh no, that will never do. Not stupid enough. I say free phDs for everyone. We’re not going to discriminate based on anything. Not qualifications, not smartness, not anything. You can be stupid. You can be lazy. You can be unwashed. You can be illiterate. You can be a criminal. You can be an illegal alien. You can be all those things at once. That’s right, you can be a listless, no good, smelly, idiotic criminal alien who can’t read, and we’ll grant you free university studies until you earn your phD. We need more people with a Masters in Gender Studies, more phDs in Popular Music, and my favorite degree, a Bachelor of Science in Baking Science. Cake is good. I like cake.
When I’m President, I won’t just let them eat cake. I’ll let them eat free cake.
Now, stupid is stupid, and like Forest Gump says, stupid is what stupid does, and I’m all for it, but there’s a limit. So as your future President, I, Steve Hirsch, think it’s prudent, albeit prudent in a stupid way, to not get too extreme, and that’s why I’m not going to promise free post-doctoral studies. At least not yet. Maybe, once our collective stupidity gathers up some momentum, maybe then, but not yet.
AOC plans to kill all cows and combustible engines within ten years. With respect to the cows, I say no. Make me President and on my very first day as Commander-in-Chief, right after they swear me in and I’m done giving my inaugural speech, I’ll put out an executive order to kill every last one. It will go down in history as the first battle of World War Green.
The Battle with the Cattle.
Cool name, huh? It rolls off the tongue even better than the famous Thrilla in Manilla back in 1975, but instead of watching Muhammed Ali beat Joe Frazier for the heavyweight championship, you’ll get to witness me slaughter about a billion cows. And you know what I’ll do after that? A free steak on every plate, which, let me tell you, tastes a whole lot better than a chicken in every pot. Yes, that’s right, I’ll give away all that red meat so that every American can eat hearty. I’m not sure about how to provide steak after the cows are eradicated, but so what? I’m with the Stupid Party, and I learned from OAC and her Democratic candidate buddies not to sweat details. I thought up The Battle with the Cattle, so I’m boss of it. Regardless, it’ll be a windfall for the vegans because there’s going to be a lot of uneaten hay. That’s what they eat, right?
Cows fart. And not only is farting bad for climate change, but I know from personal experience that farts stink. Not to go off on a tangent or anything, but last week, I had to sit on a bench for two hours at the Motor Vehicle Department while the stupid Motor Vehicle employee talked on his mobile phone with his girlfriend. Well, let me tell you. The gentleman seated next to me had a gastrointestinal problem. So, I’m not making this up. I know, beyond any doubt, that farts are not only bad for the environment, but they smell bad too.
Where was I? Oh, yeah, I was saying that AOC plans to take ten whole years to kill all farm animals of the bovine persuasion, while I promise to do it on day one in the Battle with the Cattle (this will mobilize all Stupid Party members into a herd mentality.) And she says it’s going to take ten years to kill all combustible engine cars. I say no. I’ll do it in five. People think they need cars, but they don’t. We’ll still have bicycles, tricycles, and rich people driving Teslas.
OAC says Medicare for all American Citizens. I say no. We can do it for citizens, sure, but also all other earth dwellers, meaning Sri Lankans, Cameroonians, Mexicans, Azerbijaniis, and everyone else. Except Canadians since, I’m not sure, but I heard they already have some kind of single-provider thingamajig.
Oh, I forgot to mention. As part of my proposal for unlimited free education for all, I’m including free re-education for anyone who disagrees with World War Green. Yes, I imagine that sounds scary to conservatives and other deplorables who will be required to attend, so let me address their stupid, yet understandable concerns. The re-education camps that I’ll mandate as your faithful President will be nice. Nothing Stalinesque about them. I promise. Yes, they’ll be like upscale college campuses, but with better cafeteria food. And with vegan options.
Which gets me thinking. Hmm. Eureka, I’ve got an idea! Free food for everyone. I mean, we all have to eat, right? Elect me, and I’ll declare that it’s only right that we call free food a right.
I should clarify one thing about The Stupid Party. Our core philosophy is modeled on the grand traditions of the Democratic Party, only our ideas are better. Just like the Democratic candidates don’t stand for the middle class and poor as much as they stand for getting their votes, The Stupid Party stands for stupid people’s votes more than stupid people. I’ll probably be criticized for admitting that. It might even cost me the election. Oh well, go ahead. You can say it. Call me stupid.
Note: although the above is obviously satire and I’m not really running for President, there really is such a thing as stupid people. People so stupid that they think everything should be free. I’m not saying the Democratic candidates who support The Green Deal are stupid (although if they walk like ducks and talk like ducks), but if they read this article, they’re liable to start campaigning for free healthcare for all earth dwellers. I can see it now, free veterinarian care for all pets, wildlife, and other animals. Except cows. Maybe I shouldn’t have published this article.